Take 1: One medically approved, proper way for a new father to hold Baby securely is much like a fullback carrying a football.
True or False?
Answer:
True. The key word is "securely." Even though you may
feel like a running back cradling a pigskin, the difference is, there
are no fumbles allowed on this gridiron—no matter how many carries
you make.
Take
2: With dramatic flourish, the clever thing to do is offer to change Baby's
diapers within 24 hours of his/her homecoming. (Preferably in the presence
of visiting relatives and neighbors.)
True or False?
Answer:
False. A shocking display like this is unwise and out of character.
You could be stuck in the role of boot-licking sidekick--doing new damage
to your old heroic image. Instead be fair and business-like, privately
offering to change Baby if your wife will change the oil in the station
wagon.
Take 3: Immediately after birth Baby demonstrates the ability to communicate with a number of distinctive "cries."
True or False?
Answer:
True. The "distinctive" cries go like this: a) nerve-grating whine
b) numbing, obnoxious wail
c) full-tilt, brain-piercing shriek
They mean Baby is:
a) awake
b) awake and unhappy
c) awake, unhappy and hungry
Take 4: After 20 minutes of trying (and failing) to dress your three-week-old in a tie-string nightie, you should give up and call your wife for help.
True or False?
Answer: False. As you will soon discover with infant clothing (dozens of ties and snaps in the strangest places), it often requires 20 squirming minutes to figure out which strings match which.
Take 8: Upon observing your greedy offspring breast-feeding for the sixth time in one day, you have a sudden compulsion to cry out, snatch Baby away and take his/her place. Is this overreacting?
True or False?
Answer:
True. Yes, this is a logical response for any sensitive man in
touch with his true feelings. On the other hand, it's not too smart since
it would most likely give your wife a heart attack. Repeat one hundred
times: "No breast strokes allowed till Baby's old enough to swim. No breast
strokes allowed till Baby's old enough to swim."
Take 9: Baby is just four weeks old; your wife comes to you suddenly in an aggressive, romantic mood. You should respond by ripping off your clothes, shouting, "Hallelujah!"
True or False?
Answer:
True. This type of behavior is entirely appropriate since, according
to surveys on the subject of postpartum depression, you are undoubtedly
the luckiest man alive.
Take 10: One weekend you're out trimming the hedges and your wife calls
you in the kitchen and asks if you're ready to try your first bath with
Baby. Excitedly, you should switch the electric trimmers on and off, answering,
"Wow! Sure! Can we play submarine, too?"
True or False?
Answer: True. At once, this response should project lasting impressions about your level of maturity, common sense and mental balance. All of which should keep you out of the bathroom and in the backyard where you belong.
END OF
TEST
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Keeping the Baby Alive till Your Wife Gets Home: The Tough New 'how-to'
for 21st Century Dads
CHAPTER 8 LEANING TOWER OF BABBLE
Take 5: The effective, fatherly way to cope with a newborn's colic-induced screaming is to walk up to your wife with an armful of Maalox, Di-Gel and Pepto-Bismol, saying, "Would any of these be of help, Dearest?"
True or False?
Answer: True. From now until voting age, if your offspring becomes ill, this frightening yet innocent gesture should clear you of any responsibility or involvement.
Take 6: A newborn's favorite sound is its parent's voice.
True or False?
Answer: False. After listening to Baby for a few days, with the aid of fiendish inventions such as the wireless-remote infant audio monitor--you won't have any doubt about whose voice is his/her favorite.
Take 7: A proven method to
protect yourself against Baby's frequent spit-ups is to place a cotton
diaper or towel over the shoulder.
True or False?
Answer:
False. The only way you can live at home and escape the effects
of Baby's continuous discharge is to wear a full-length raincoat or plastic
shower curtain refashioned as a cape.
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